The Army Wedding Vows (funny)
by D. A. Stohlman

If the Army wanted you to have a wife, it would have issued you one.
Dear family and friend, we are gathered here today in the sight of God and the Department of the Army to witness this exchange of vows and to see the love that these dedicated, loving people have for one another.
I,______________________________________, take (who was once referred to as the ‘dependent’), as your Family Member, to dwell together in so far as the Department of the Army will permit?”
“Wilt thou love her, comfort her via the Postal Service or over the telephone, make sure she knows where the commissary, PX, clinic and the church are and what time she is scheduled to use the laundry room the day she arrives, wherever you are stationed?”
“Wilt thou attempt to tell her more than 24 hours in advance that you will be leaving for two weeks, beginning the next morning? This especially applies to the years you will live in a foreign country!”
“Wilt thou, , take this soldier as thy wedded husband, knowing that he is depending upon you to be the perfect (well, almost) Army Wife, running the household as you see fit and being nice to the Commander’s Wife (even when it is hard to)? Further, you understand that your life with your husband (little that you may have together) will not be normal, that you may have to explain to your children, not once but twice and more often in the same day, that mothers do have husbands, that children do have daddies, and that the picture of the man on the refrigerator is not the milkman, but the same individual who tucks the in at 2200 hours, long after they are asleep. This soldier is their daddy, who loves then very, very much”
"Wilt thou love, respect and wait for him, preparing his favorite meals when he does come home and freezing them when he doesn’t? When he is gone wilt thou send him all his favorite cookies and pictures of yourself and the children so he can remember what you look like? When you are separated on your anniversaries (which will happen more often than not) you will remember this special day and celebrate it on the closest day possible to the actual date. And last but not least, put on the outside of the door his ‘WELCOME HOME’ sign when he is due to arrive.”
“I, , take thee, as my independent wife from 1900 to 2200 hours or as long as allowed by my Commanding Officer (subject to change without notice) for better or worse, earlier or later, near or far, and promise to look at the pictures you send me, maybe not when they get to me in the field, but before I turn out the lights. I will also send you a letter if time permits, and if not, to somehow, someway make the time. I will also remember this special day and will try to telephone you somehow, someway on the anniversaries we are separated.”